I got uppity last night because I recognized I was starting to feel funny and left out. I immediately started putting myself in check, and when you asked me, I was honest and told about the whispering I thought I heard. Earlier I had called Brian and he said he was going to pass. You told me to tell him we were stopping by the condo cuz you were going to convince him otherwise. You put alot of energy into it, and your eyes were almost constantly on him, and when you looked at me it seemed as an afterthough, not the normal warmth I see. I still wasn’t worked up much, but could tell the conversation changed when I left the room, and became silent when I returned. I felt like a third wheel, and that you were really into me being there, but wasn't saying anything to keep peace. . So I put on music. Hence the comment about whispering. You told me I was imaging things, so I dropped it. I shared that I also spoke with Brian because I wanted to make sure everyone was comfortable, I was and didn’t want to be a cause of problem, but you were offended anyway. From there you said it was just conversation, but I was real high, didn’t want to talk about that at that time, and you insisted anyway. That put me into a tailspin, every criticism you gave I replied with smart remarks. My anger just went up a notch because I was trying so hard to make sure it was fun, and relaxed, and you were not going for it. I still am ok with doing things, and I want to. I'm not going to tell you how I think you should behave, that's up to you. But I feel uncomfortable I"m going to tell you. I get that there are sometimes connections that 2 will make that may leave a third watching, and i'm ok with that too. Every other time you have ALWAYS been just awesome, making sure I'm aware you are there with me. I fucking love that about you. But whether you realize it or not, that was not the case with Brian. You said it was because you had let me know before how much you wanted to fuck him, as if you never had. But I do know you have hooked up with him before, so I wasn't real happy about that. Yeah, he's cute, but twice I started to try and fuck him, and you jumped right in blocking me, and I don't think it was part of the fun, because then I didn't exist to you for awhile. THAT and other similar little things all added up to make me feel that way, and when I told you, you tell me I"m imagining things. Maybe, or maybe not.

I was so mad I honestly came home, packed a few bags, said about 5 words to Brian, and left and hit the road, until I realized I had no money, and that pissed me off more. I was really out of control. I know I should have checked it, but the combination of drugs and your comments were really getting to me. You seem so condescending, and I couldn't understand why you would be that way with me. It was very odd. Several times I tried to tell you very important things we had talked about before, which explain much of what I was experiencing, but you were evasive, forgetful, and would not give me a straight answer about them. That was also very odd, and did not make sense to me.

I didn't see any reason to even talk about things because every time I would try to answer your questions, you would somehow turn it into a poor response, or turn up the fire because it touched on something else that offended you. And then you blamed it all on me. I'll take responsibility for WHAT I DO. Then you sent me away, saying we were not going to talk then, and to cool off, and talk the next day. Then when I called in the morning, you didn't sound like you had any intention of any such thing, and just were DONE, so I felt you lied to me last night just to get me to leave, with no intentions of working things out. Which of course imflammed me even more, and was why I was pissy on phone this morning.

There's your answers. That simple. It was wrong, and I get that, but dammit I was just fine until you poked me, and pushed me into talking more when I was high. I love you, and i'm going to tell you later, but don't do that please when I'm high. It will NEVER turn out good. But if you talk to me later, it will make sense, and we won't go into that kind of ridiculous yelling. You say nothing has changed. You are incorrect. You know that I am very different in many ways, you have told me so. May we please not make this another dramatic week affair with ignoring phone calls, not seeing each other etc? There are your answers, they are valid, and honest. I was fine until I was poked. I don't want to go over it any more it is not that important. I get that you pushed it because you felt that you don't get complete information from me. You do, but please remember that for the last few months, You did not answer calls, or texts, didn't see me, and when I did, told me to shut up. So yea, you didn't get everything. But I will. I don't hide or sneak or lie to you. Why would I? I'm trying to allow this to develop at your pace, as I agree it should, but give me some credit here buddy, That would be sabotaging what I want most with you, why would I do that? I wouldn't. Let this go please, I guess it was my night to be angry, right or wrong.

I love you, and that is honest. I want to spend a lifetime getting to know you.